Any way, how are you? I hope you had a good weekend. It occurred to me I have about two months till my birthday, which is why I am telling you now to get busy and do something. I’ll get depressed if you don’t. I write a column for your pleasure almost every week, disclosing some of my most inner most thoughts and nobody says “Well done!” Hrmph.

How’s this for a good laugh? I doubt most of it’s true particularly how descriptive the actual ordeal was. Have you noticed that with all kiss’n’tell tabloid stories? They all reel off the same old lines. Yawn! But oh these kids’ TV presenters – you really have to learn not to take them for face value these days. As Mojo said to me, they always manage to disgrace themselves in some way or another. Far from squeaky-clean!  Speaking of Mojo, she managed to jot down the following ode to Richard ‘Dick’ McCourt. I think we should send it to him, love. It’s jolly good!

Up above the streets and houses, don’t forget bungalows too,
Children’s TV presenter Richard Bacon was caught sniffing more than glue,
This once seemingly innocent lad, powdered his nose and then got labelled as bad,
If that’s all it takes then for goodness sake why aren’t they more careful about what they do?
Jamie Theakston, John Leslie, Richard Bacon and now Dick of Dick and Dom,
Has dispelled with his squeaky clean image and released the tabloid time bomb,
Five months after pursuing a hooker, in a posh hotel he finally took her,
She wanted more, but he wasn’t sure so he gave her some cash which really shook her,
Claiming his cats needed feeding, he left and in the Sunday Mirror we are now reading,
In a different light we’ll now view this guy – and definitely to creamy muck muck this gives a new meaning!

It's a good job that the allegations weren't that they were gay. Can you imagine? The press would have a field day: Dick in Dom: In da Bonkalow! Ahem! (That was ALL Mojo, by the way – the filthy-minded minx!)

I know I encouraged you to watch Dick & Dom In Da Bungalow but the truth is, I’ve only watched one programme since the series started. Well, by the time I wake up on Saturday morning, the show is finished! I mean, what sort of a time is 11 am for a cult TV kids’ show to end? Can we not have repeats like the Hollyoaks omnibus?

Oh yeah, I was very disappointed there was no Britney & Kevin on the telly yesterday – why not??  It was supposed to be the wedding episode too as promised last week!

Before I forget, horticulturalists will be relieved to learn that Hungo did water his dying cactus. I was going to make a joke about cacti but had a re-think – don’t want to get slapped on the wrist for being rude or something.