But I tell you, it’s not a doddle and if I want to do this properly, I need to be a perfectionist so I’m sorry to all my nearest and dearest for the constant harassment I give them, begging them to be models for me to practise on. I’ve even started to accost male friends but unlike the ladies, not one has agreed! Actually, I think I’ve convinced one. Look, Tony Blair wears foundation, a little bit won’t make you any gay, guys.

Speaking of which, the new Will Young single dropped through my letterbox the other week. It’s called ‘Switch It On’. (I hear you cry, “Switch it off!”) Will believes it’s the best record he’s ever done and our mystery reviewer seems to agree too: “The song is divine – from such a strong, young singer, reaching the highest peaks of his monumental talent, this is a track bursting with clean-shaven power as Will unleashes the full length of his vocal range, guaranteed to be a delight.” Nobody would have guessed the writer hadn’t even listened to it. Don’t you think that sounds really gay? I mean, the way the reviewer has worded it or maybe he’s just very comfortable with himself. Did I say ‘he’? It could very well be from a ‘she’. Any way, that’s the new Will Young single for you – the video is certainly very gay…and I mean that in the nicest, possible way.

I’m doing pretty well on the invitation count since the one to the golf book launch. I’ve been invited to go on a flying visit to Israel to check out an Elvis café between Tel Aviv and Jerusalem by my friend, Charlie (the one who’s researching and writing a book on Elvis impersonators from around the world). The thing is, I think he really meant it. I ought to get his autograph before he becomes majorly famous and his ego inflates to the size of Jordan’s pneumatic front airbags. Only tonight he was schmoozing at some swanky showbiz party for the Holiday series on BBC1, rubbing shoulders (and nothing else, mind) with Kirsty Gallacher and Lawrence Lleweyn-Bowen. Unbelievable! God knows what those two were doing there (probably freeloaders) but I think Charlie is actually going to be in the TV series! Is that so, Charlie? Are you going to be giving us your low-down on the best spots to travel to? I can just picture you, wearing a fetching life-jacket while white water rafting or something. Set your videos, folks (if you can get the BBC on your TV) – should be a good laugh.

Oh yeah, it was the last instalment of Britney and Kevin’s Chaotic series on the weekend – gosh, that was over really quickly or did I miss most of it? Any way, they got married and God, did it really did make for uncomfortable viewing especially when Kevin supposedly got a lump in his throat while trying to spew out the words “I love you, baby”. What an arse! And she’s a fruitloop and all. I don’t get it, Justin Timberlake bags a Hollywood a-lister babe and Britney downgrades to a bloke with bad tattoos and a beard, who seemingly scratches himself too much while trying to conceal the fact he may have fleas. Or indeed a nasty STD.

Well, those are my wise words for this week. I’m going to go over my questions for the Bloodhound Gang now. I don’t even know who I will be getting! This isn’t right, I demand to know. It had better be the ones I’m wishing for…I’ll let you know next week.