Big, big apologies for the inconsistent service last week – late editorial, late updates…I’m so sorry but work took over and I didn’t have a moment spare. I also met Joanna Lumley (she said I looked “gorgeous” in her velvety, sexy voice) at a charity event last week and at the same place, was followed around by this bloke who supplies ‘risque’/novelty gifts who proudly informed me their bestseller is the candy bra and g-string, er, thing. I was extremely disturbed by what could have been going through his mind as he talked to me.

Tonight, I had my last make-up class tonight and after enduring 12 weeks of the course, I really couldn’t wait to get away. It had got to the point where I had had enough and was ready to scream. I just want my shiny certificate to prove I qualify even though I know the tricks, rules and techniques. The anguish of waiting to find out if I passed is going to eat away at me till March next year. March next year?! I think I’ve failed. Seriously. I should have made up false names and addresses of clients like other students had…

I hope you had a good weekend. I paid a visit (emphasis on the word “paid”) to my local hair salon, which took three hours (!) – trust me, I had a numb bum after and my back was aching particularly from leaning back into the sink when having my tresses washed. Most would appreciate the head massage but for 30 minutes?! Come on! I think the poor girl was trying to kill time as my stylist was so behind with trying to finish one cut and blow dry before I plonked myself in his chair, exhausted and bored. Sure enough, the hot manager was there and next to my stylist, Adam. Bless Adam. He’s very good and it’s a bonus that his workspace is next to the manager’s so I get a good look at him every time I go but he doesn’t notice me any more. What do I have to do to get him to pay me some attention?? Probably appear on Big Brother. Yes, really. Emma Greenwood (the dopey one from last year’s Big Brother – well, they’re all dopey, I suppose) teetered into the salon and the manager promptly rushed up to her to kiss her. Why?! Where the hell did she come from?! Then I realised perhaps it’s because she lives nearby in Hertfordshire…I think in Elstree or Borehamwood which is where the series is filmed incidentally. So she didn’t move too far then (!)

Any way she came in with this really tall and good-looking bloke (whom I am guessing is her boyfriend though I would like to believe he’s not), but it was he who was getting his hair cut. I don’t think they even had an appointment – shocking! She was all fake-tanned and wearing open-toe heels (in this weather?!) and was swanning around the salon like she was a celebrity. I think I need to change salons now. The clientele has drastically dipped.

I was telling Mojo I have this ‘gift’ for spotting minor celebrities – seen a bloke off The X-Factor on the tube once, stood behind greyhead Will (producer for Chris Moyles’ afternoon show) in Benjy’s the other week and now Emma off Big Brother. Christ Almighty, she has her own ‘official’ website! Check out her biog: What item of clothing could you not live without? “My GHD straighteners”. Clothing. Right. The daft bint even has a biography on IMDB! Can I have a profile on there as well?!

So after gulping in shock at the price I had to pay for my cut and colour, where did I end up showing off my hair? With two invites to two birthday parties I ended up in Tesco instead. The one next to the Big Brother studio coincidentally…do we have a theme developing here?

It is my birthday on Sunday. So I keep telling you. I want it to be the best one ever but I bet something will go wrong.