Aw crap. I’ve got flu. Well, flu-like symptoms – my nose is bunged up, I keep sneezing and my back is aching. I also can’t smell the delicious butter chicken I insisted on making for myself. Food is so boring when you can’t smell or taste it. Hrmph. Any hoo, I’m very much together, which you’ll be glad to know. Thanks to Emmy for filling in for me so graciously last week. Wonder who will be in the hot seat next time...

So while I sniff and sneeze my way through this editorial, I am delighted to inform you of the happenings of last week, one of which was Shiny Sonia’s birthday. (She’s probably bored of me referring to her as ‘shiny’ on these pages, so I shall drop it now.) Incidentally, there was a solar eclipse on this very day but I totally forgot to look out for it. Apparently you could have seen it properly from Turkey…fascinating!

So, where was I? Oh yes. Birthday girl picked a Brazilian bar in town, and everyone groaned when I pulled out my camera. Oh come on, I know you’re thankful I remembered to bring it because no one else did! Unfortunately there are no pictures of me because the thought never occurred to one person to snatch the camera off me and take some shots, so you all have got yourselves to blame. Ha! And Andy (Berks), you’re a staaaaarrrrr, as Brandon Flowers wails, simply for remaining calm whenever the lens was focussed on you.

Mind you, while it was Sonia’s day to (sorry) shine, it was small-yet-perfectly-formed Dan (remember him?) who insisted on standing in front of my camera a lot. This is Dan. On the phone. In an attempt to look 'busy'/'popular', no doubt. Dan nearly made me pee my pants too by cruelly holding me back from letting go of my bladder for about half an hour. I didn’t literally, I went to the little girl’s room of course. Then he turned up to work the next day in the night before’s pants. Hope you didn’t turn them inside out, Dan!  Daniel gave me permission to mention him on this week’s editorial as well as plaster his visage all over this page (actually, I think he just wanted to get one over Hungo) just as long as I didn’t mention his scary habits – Dan’s that is. I really don’t want to lose readers to this site, so I won’t risk divulging information about Dan’s 'interesting' habits and his sofa with amazing pulling power quite yet. Oops, too much?

As from today, there’s a hose-pipe ban in London (and a few other regions), which is just great considering it’s been raining on and off for the last six months. Where’s the logic in that?! What am I going to do with all my Lush bathbombs when there is a restriction on how much water we’re allowed to use? I just think it’s the water company’s excuse to bump up the prices while crying wolf over a hose-pipe ban. Dan, maybe you should relocate to London since you don’t bother with bathing that much. Ouch, sorry!

Also news for me is the announcement a new rail company (whose name escapes me but it’s something long and winding) has taken over the franchise lost by its predecessor Thameslink, the company which ran the services from Bedford to Brighton and back again when it could be bothered. Look, I received a letter from the firm informing me of the new takeover, OK? I hate rail privatisation! Just run the bloody trains on time, that’s all people want, not extra hanging baskets on the platforms and baby-changing facilities on board. And perhaps you could do something about that tramp with the dodgy leg and who stinks of wee, walking through every carriage, while repeating a monologue that wouldn’t stand a hope in hell of being nominated for an Olivier about how he’s got nowhere to kip that night and would appreciate some extra change – no matter how large or small – to keep him warm from the bitter, cold weather we’re having. God almighty, I’ve seen him say the same old nonsense for the last year and he’s so bloody loud and intimidating, staggering into the carriage and weaving out his pathetic, sob story and some stupid people rummage around in their pockets too. How come he’s never caught for dodging to pay his fare?!  I’m always being asked to produce my travel ticket by inspectors. He must live on the train and come to think of it, why doesn’t he make use of the facilities on board? I mean, there is a sink with running water – use it, you fool!

Right, moan over and eyeballs are burning so I'm going to leave this space now. See you sometime next week, I hope.