Hey, hey, hey! Look who it is – me. Who’d have thought I’d be here two weeks in a row, eh? Well I’m feeling a lot better than my state seven days ago and those observant ones will have noticed that I have started reviewing again. That was one mighty boot up the backside I must have received. Onwards and upwards, as they say and so let me begin by wishing you well. I hope life is treating you good. The weather has certainly improved, which has had me visiting local garden centres to pick up exuberantly coloured foliage (ooh, get me) to decoratively arrange in hanging baskets and containers. But I must say, this year’s range is a huge let-down – I am just not seeing the normally high quality of flowers. All there is available are the usual geraniums, pansies and marigolds. Where are the exotic ones? Totally uninspiring!

So we’re two weeks into the seventh series of Big Brother and is anyone following it? I admit I’m not watching it at all because they’re a bunch of predictably desperate freaks who, just by looking at them, irritate me like ugly Vernon Kaye. Urgh, what a mong! He says he only likes attractive people and hates ugly people – has he checked his reflection lately? What a shallow tosser! While channel-hopping, I saw a bit where the housemates were chatting while he was busy grooming his hair in the mirror. Also he doesn’t have much of an arse though he makes up for it by being a total arse any way!

Posh totty Grace wouldn’t look out of place at Crufts – what a dog and far too much bronzer too. I thought posh people were selective about who they breed with so how come she turned out to be so rough? I heard someone on the radio say she resembles Chelsea Clinton. Arf!

Welsh pageant queen Imogen looks like Michelle Bass, and Nikki…oh God, well I saw a trailer for BB and it featured a sequence of clips of her whinging and crying. And whenever I’ve switched on to see her on screen, she is always kicking up a fuss about something or another. God almighty, she could whinge for Britain plus she has a couple of stiff satsumas down her top too! Sezer, who was spectacularly booted out last week, is an arrogant wanker, and how can you take him, supposedly a stockbrocker, seriously when wears Ugg type boots over his jeans like a girl?! And he still lives at home with his mum! If he earns a quarter of a million a year, surely he can afford a cleaner and cook! Many claim to be ‘models’ too. On which catwalk?! It’s also quite worrying how most female contestants have breast implants – you can’t audition without a pair of artificially enhanced double-Ds.The only good I see from this is the government must be saving a small fortune in freezing this lot’s benefits because they’re all unemployed!

By the way, I am disturbed how I’ve seen 4 former BB contestants in public – Penny storming down Oxford Street (that teacher who famously dropped her bath towel), Sam from last year touting for business in a skimpy skirt, bare legs and stilettos while the rest of the public battled gale force winds (what a floozy), BB3 winner Kate Lawler at a film screening and dippy Emma from two years ago who came into my hairdresser’s.

And on the subject of spotting vacuous celebrities, I saw Antony Costa sitting outside a coffee place in my local high street on Saturday. He looked at me too. Dearie me, I need to relocate… I didn’t have any make-up on as well. My friend who once dated the Gonzo one, said “You look good without make-up so don’t worry. Just think, no one that hairy can judge anyone else”. What a satisfying thought…

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2006
2005
2004