Ooh, it’s too hot! Really, it’s too hot to contemplate doing anything, even thinking. I can barely focus on what I’m supposed to be writing about and yes, I am fully aware I missed last week’s editorial, though the site continued to be updated so it’s not like your needs were neglected completely! 

I won’t mention the football or the cricket other than there seems to be a disturbing pattern of us losing terribly. We’re just about hanging on with the tennis. Is there any other sport we might be triumphant in?

Yeah, any way, onto more trivial things – namely the latest occurrences in my neighbourhood. I saw that sodding Antony Costa sunning himself outside the same café he always goes to at the weekend. That’s the third time in a month! I am very worried as I suspect he is living in the area.

On this occasion, I had to walk past three times (no, not on purpose!) as I discovered the cash machine next to the café was out of order so I had to traipse further up the broadway in the blistering heat. Each time Costa changed his seating position so every time I walked past, I walked past him facing me. In no way I am implying he did this deliberately, I just don’t understand why he is hanging around my ‘hood when he supposedly boasts of going to more star-studded locations. Disturbingly, he was sporting a vest and large clumps of fuzzy hair on either shoulder, which is so wrong. Yes, Costa is a bonafide hairy Greek but does he really feel compelled to expose his shoulder rugs for the population of North London? If you’re hairy, wax it off or cover up. God, it’s enough to put you off your latte.

I haven’t finished there on my sightings. Last week I had to venture to Argos to buy a clothes rail to put in my loft. I don’t advocate the use of flat-packed furniture because like the set of Neighbours, it wobbles and falls apart easily but on this occasion, I needed something cheap, practical and out of view because it would be locked away in the loft. I also needed to put my surplus amount of clothes and coats I am unable to wear in this sweltering season, so a clothes rail was a great way to make some valuable wardrobe space. So before I go off the point and you nod off, while I was there, I saw ex-Sugababe Mutya with her sprog in a pram and her boyfriend dawdling behind. My word, this place is infested with has-been popstars! What was she doing there?! Well, OK I guess standards don’t change despite having travelled the world and stayed in the most swanky hotels. I was asked if she looked as rough as she comes across, but unfortunately I couldn’t get close enough to have a proper look without her shooting me filthy looks. She talked very loudly, though – I could hear her chatting to the cashier from the other end of the store!

I’m going to sign off as I can’t function properly at the moment but that just leaves me enough space to inform you that I will be on holiday for two weeks from this week and you will have the company of two guests fronting the editorials in my absence. They’ll be free to say whatever they please, which right now, doesn’t bother me in the slightest since I’m more interested in deciding what to wear on a gondola. Please don’t email me for the next fortnight but do visit uk-fusion for the editorials and latest reviews. Thank you and I’ll see you on the 24th!