Dear John,

There is no easy way to tell you this. I don’t love you any more. It’s over. We’re finished. It’s not me, it’s you. You’ve changed. You’re not that same clean-cut, slightly geeky young man who was so passionate about his music and his fans. You’ve become a shaggy haired, arrogant, celebrity bimbo dating, asshole.

Last night was your final chance to woo me back from the depths of apathy to which I have sunk after your last two piss-poor albums. Continuum – couldn’t you have tried just a little bit harder?

I wanted wonderful things from you, John. I expected you to belt out upbeat tracks like in the old days and not open with some dire trite from crappy Continuum and then continue with the dire trite for over nearly 40 minutes until I couldn’t stand it any more and left.

Was it really necessary to have so many excruciating solos from your band?  Did you not consider it rude to turn you back on the audience time and time again to amuse yourself ’jamming’ with your cronies? We paid good money to come and watch you sing, and we spent good money on your rubbish albums so why were you acting like you weren’t particularly bothered to be there?

Do you think that because you have four Grammies and America loves you, you don’t have to make any effort in the UK? You had a small but loyal tribe of fans here. But after last night the number has been reduced by one, for I have found a new love – his name is Newton Faulkner. You introduced us last night and he was everything you weren’t – lively, passionate, funny, completely engaged with the audience, loving and appreciative of playing to such a large crowd. He even used some innovative crowd participation as the backing track for his last song before treating us to a rendition of SpongeBob SquarePants.

It’s Newton I love now (5/5) – not you (1/5).

Goodbye,

Helen, your ex-fan

P.S:  Just because you’re in London doesn’t mean you have to dress like Austin Powers – take the red velvet suit off, put it in the back of your wardrobe and never wear it again – you pillock.