Buenos dias!  I turn away for two weeks and there’s sod all in terms of action on the site’s messageboard.   I know Lolly Da Pimp tried to stimulate some debates but the rest of you clearly couldn’t be arsed and thought you could be entitled to a holiday too.  Bet you didn’t have glorious sunshine every day with temperatures hitting 30 degrees.

So yes, I had to return and am surprised quite a lot of insignificant nonsense has been getting many people in a flutter except for Spain which didn’t bother to give any coverage to Britney Spears getting married to her back-up dancer (how long do we give it?), the McFaddens splitting up (clearly OK magazine wasn’t enough to salvage the relationship) and another sodding reality TV programme called The Farm where a bunch of available celebrities have been left to run a farm including (get this!) Vanilla Ice, Terry Christian, Debbie McGee, Stan Collymore, Rebecca Loos, Richie from defunct boyband Five and Jeff Brazier (unfortunately known more for impregnating Jade Goody not once but twice).

Erm, do I sense a feeling of deja-vu?  Just how many reality TV programmes has Brazier been on?!  Talk about milking it and I don’t mean the cow he so enthusiastically fisted the other day when I was channel-hopping.  Ahem.  Sheesh, I should be talking about my holiday, shouldn’t I?  Right!  Well, you don’t need me to elaborate about the perfect weather, the natural beauty and the stunning sights of Andalucia but if you’re really concerned, yes, it was wonderful and yes, it was great to get away.  I also managed to pop down to Gibralter and Morocco – neat, huh?  What wasn’t so super was me leaving my mobile phone in the hotel room after checking out.  I only twigged something was missing when I was queuing up to check in at the airport.

With a slight feeling of ‘mission: impossible’ racing through my mind, I jumped into a taxi, returned to the hotel and begged the staff to let me back into the room.  I found it under the pillow, and before you ask, I set an alarm on it in case I overslept after the hotel wake-up call so that’s why it was still in the bed.  Meanwhile, the taxi driver was waiting for me and must have thought I was daft to take him on such a route.  I still feel like a complete pleb for almost leaving my phone behind in a foreign country.  This one bills above dropping it in the toilet, believe me.

I'll bore you with my holiday snaps another time (have already tortured a few and deservedly so) but if you're curious as to who is pictured with me, I'll tell you.  His name is Francisco and he's from Granada.  That is all.  Oh, and he reminds me of Mr Noon, a biology teacher from school whom I had a soft spot for.  Doesn't Franco look like Mr Noon, Mojo??

In the meantime, please can we have some big hugs and big love to Niki, who's in hospital in Germany and to Mojo who's hurt her back and has had to seek osteopathic treatment to help ease the pain.  As Robbie says so eloquently in 'Radio', "Oww-ch!"

OK, that's more than enough to feed your hunger and back to the grindstone for me.  Mucha gracias!