Thank you to Ryan for doing a stellar job of last week’s editorial. You may be interested to learn he had an unexpected tryst with his admirer in that regular haunt – the gents’ toilets. However, it would seem something awful happened between the two for the new young man never returned to his new job. And I had such high hopes for the pair of you, Ryan. That’ll teach you to make fun of my playlist on my MP3 player. Among the songs I’ve got on there already, there are tracks by Muse, U2, Chemical Brothers, Embrace, Keane, Travis, Angie Stone, Paul Weller, East 17, Take That with Lulu and Rick Astley to name a few AND I don’t give a monkey’s! It’s all about being selective and if I choose to bunch together ‘Sunflower’ with ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’, those are for my ears to worry about.

I’m still having problems with playing and transferring legal downloads to my portable music player. We’ve already established the European edition of the iRiver I own cannot play digitally ecrypted music files so the next best thing would be to copy tracks onto a CD, and then copy from that to the MP3 player, as suggested by an expert on downloads at HMV. Seems tedious and slightly more costly but what the heck, I gave it a go except that too failed on me. For the record, Windows Media Player is a load of crap. It prevents me from copying protected files onto a disc even though it has a sodding function on its software supposedly permitting such a function. So, after trawling Google for some answers, Microsoft have a page tucked away in their archives which states any operating system before Windows XP won’t be able to copy files onto disc. WHY DIDN’T THEY SAY SO CLEARLY?! That’s partly the reason I didn’t go for an iPod as I didn’t want a new computer when my existing one is just as good, if not better.

Buying downloads for 79p each is a dream and a damn sight better than paying £4 for one song on a CD single not to mention the time it takes to copy onto the player, but I’ve got little choice here. I’m told I can test out various suggestions to overcome this Microsoft boo-boo but really, that shouldn’t be my problem. And I noticed Bill Gates was plugging the latest iRiver too… OK, so perhaps it’s not entirely his fault and maybe it’s to do with the music industry’s fear of losing complete control by becoming control freaks, but does anyone understand my predicament? Can anyone help me? I’ve got files sitting on my hard drive which I can only play on my computer and no site has the decency to point this problem out. If anyone knows of a reputable and legal MP3 site, please contact me. Thank you.

I apologise for the lack of updates; we don’t seem to be doing too good. I’ve been waiting two weeks for my copy of Electric Six’s album Senor Smoke, which I was strangely promised was in the post, only for someone or something to intercept it so I never did receive it. I’ve asked nicely four times to the PR company in question and every time, my pleas have gone unanswered. I also fancied Trap Door on DVD…again, I was blanked. Well I wish you PR companies wouldn’t bloody well tell me you’re doing the press for these things when you can’t be arsed to deliver! Am I worried I’ve just put my foot in it and ruined my chances of getting anything in the future? I’ve had nowt to begin with so what more can I lose? I feel so many want so much from uk-fusion yet are sometimes so mean as to not give anything in return. As Sebastian Love in Little Britain utters, “WHAT-EVA! I'M BORED!”

I’m off to plug in my earphones and blast out Alcazar. See you next week.