I feel so blue. I don’t know why. Not even a huge bag of Maltesers did anything for me (shockingly, chocolate rarely does) and neither did watching a Carry On movie. I think it might be an unusual case of PMT, one that makes me very quiet and fed up with life and people in general. Woe is me…

So without further ado, I’ll talk about non-me related issues to distract myself. Arsenal won the FA Cup this weekend (like it makes any difference to me), Chelsea won the Premiership (like it makes any – ooh hang on, that’s two London teams) and it was the Eurovision Song Contest in Ukraine on Saturday night. Wow. Forget Eurovision being camp and cheesy, well it is both of those but wow, it IS worth watching. This year the theme was to rip off the genuine article, which will probably explain why Norway’s entry was glam rock with a heavy dosage of Spinal Tap, and some act which paid homage to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Only a few weeks ago, I said to Mojo that we ought to have something alternative to represent the UK next year – let’s send a band like Kasabian! Stuff going pop and let’s do alternative rock or something!

In case news hasn’t reached you (or you’ve chosen not to pay attention), the UK’s entry, courtesy of Javine (who looks like a man in drag – poor girl) came in at 23 out of 25 countries (I think). Now, ‘Touch My Fire’ is a great song, much better than what Jordan had to offer but it’s, ooh, two years too late because sweetheart, the Turkish/Arabian theme was like two years ago and the fact that you and your backing dancers weren’t wearing any clothes screamed desperation to be noticed more for naked flesh. I really don’t want to see some filly shimmying her arse-cheeks while I’m trying to have my dinner. Greece won, by the way – again. I think they won three years ago – am I right or wrong? Doesn’t matter!

Today, on the day Oasis release their piddling pile of crap of an album, it was announced The Darkness’ bassist Frankie Poullain last left the building due to “musical differences”. Like what does that mean? Apparently he was spending more time at his chateau in France than with the band – or maybe the rest of them didn’t want him crossing the English channel. I dunno. Nobody really cares about the bass player, no matter how big his handlebar moustache is. But news of this reminded me of how frequently Oasis have altered their line-up and how I cannot name you any member other than Liam and Noel, who as far as I know, are still in the group. (Correct me if there have been any changes there.) 

I gave up on Oasis about 10 years ago, well whenever Be Here Now came out. Liam’s sneery voice started to hurt my ears and well, they’d become so bloody boring. Now Don’t Believe The Truth is released today, there’s heavy promotion on radio stations for it and that awful ‘Lyla’ record is number one in the singles chart! DJs and hardcore fans are raving about how brilliant it is to have the band back (well, what’s left of them) but to me, it’s the Emperor’s New Clothes all over again! Listen to me, Oasis aren’t any better, stop convincing yourself they are and move on!

Actually, I’ve just remembered a true story about Liam. When Mojo used to work in a big book shop in town, Liam and his girlfriend came in to buy some books for their kid – Spot the Dog ones incidentally. Before she could check the signature strip, Liam rudely snatched his credit card and walked off while Nicole smiled politely and thanked Mojo for her help. I do seriously think those books were for Liam, you know… 

Closer to home, I thought I’d share this rather lovely snap with you of our Niki with Chris Evans, when she met him outside his market stall in Camden a few weeks ago. Scary trousers, Evans… Also, please can we send some love to Earth Girl, whose plans to go to Camp America fell through so instead, she’s going travelling for a year – to Canada, America and finally docking in Australia till next summer. Lucky minx! Well, we'll still be here should you feel inclined to come back but please, don't get married while out there! It can happen, in fact it has happened, don't be another victim. And make sure you have a brilliant time!