Ah, September is here. Great (!) Soon it’ll be my birthday and I’ll start crying at the thought of becoming older. I’ve already attempted to take my mind off the matter by deciding on updating my autumn/winter wardrobe, which at the moment, consists of about three jumpers. Most worrying that I’m turning into a shopaholic destined for being in debt and even more worrying that I’ve got no more room to store things! I can barely shut the drawers now!

I cleared out anything I don’t wear any more for the charity shop and unfortunately the number of items turned out to be very few. Oh well. At least I don’t buy things I later regret and never end up using. My latest must-haves are boots and sequin scarfs. How glam!

Well, I trust you all had a good weekend. I finally saw Charlie & The Chocolate Factory which was really good fun even though a few things grated on me like the mention of ‘candy’ and ‘vacation’ in a story set in England and written by a British author. Tsk! Johnny Depp’s take on Willy Wonka (eerily like Wacko Jacko) was freaky but hilarious especially his teeth.

I don’t venture out the cinema that much because it’s usually an arse to arrange and a bigger pain to get to but Charlie was worth a visit with fewer songs. One film I’m so looking forward to is Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo – six years after the original Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. I don’t remember it at the cinema, I just remember seeing the sleeve of the film in the local Blockbusters and telling Mojo that we were going to watch that film without her having any say in it. I’m sure the sequel will be crap…but hey ho, most things should be better than The Dukes Of Hazzard. Urgh, have had to endure far too much of that dumb filly Jessica Simpson wriggling her shrunken arse in the video. I want to see the new Backstreets Boys video! Not hers!

Now there was something I wanted to have a major moan about…what was it? Oh yes, it was that Sienna Miller (who?!), on-off girlfriend of Jude Law and damsel in distress after he did the dirty with his children’s nanny. I can't believe she's younger than me and she always looks like she's not had a wash in weeks as well. Poor baby today threatened to give up her movie career if the tabloid jibes got worse. What movie career, hon? The population of Great Britain could not name one film you’ve been in and you’re only famous for shagging an equally dull actor whose ex-wife, Sadie Frost, is also another one nobody could name a film she’s been in. Some pattern forming there…

Which brings me onto my next point – how do these people become famous from doing nothing? I mean, they live in the trendiest parts of London, so who pays the rent/mortgage – the tooth fairy? God, I’d love a job like that! What am I doing wrong? I imagine it’s the rise of all those pointless gossip celebrity magazines which keep these nobodies fed and clothed and you, the British public, are buying them! Stop it right this once! I don’t wish to be dictated by what Sienna is wearing (dresses like a tramp most of the time) and I don’t want to know who Pete Doherty is, the stupid smack-head. Can’t he take Kate Moss with him? Besides, these crappy magazines are lazy journalism. Kelly Brook is another one – can’t crack it as an ‘actress’ yet she’s shagged her way up to Hollywood. She’s always on holiday with that baldilocks Billy Zane (awful taste, sweetheart – he’s twice your age surely!). Oh dear, you might start thinking I read these magazines…

I’m signing off now and promise to return next week. Which will be fun ‘cos Lisa from Bonny Scotland is coming to town…